Perimenopause Anxiety & Hormones: Why You Feel “Off” in Midlife with Buffy | Hot Flushes & Higher Self

Introduction to Buffy – Nutritional therapist & health coach supporting women in midlife

0:45 Soraya: So today I'm really happy to be joined by Buffy, a nutritional therapist and health coach who supports women to feel well, nourished, and at home in their bodies, especially during midlife and times of transition. Buffy's work is deeply rooted in both personal experience and compassionate practice, often navigating her own health challenges around hormones, digestion, anxiety, and disordered eating. She was drawn into a more holistic way of understanding the body, one that goes beyond food plans or quick fixes, and instead focuses on nervous system support, self-trust, and listening to the body's wisdom.

1:18 Soraya: And what I really love about Buffy's approach is how grounded and gentle it is. She helps women move away from control, restriction, and pushing through, and instead reconnect with their bodies as allies, particularly during menopause and perimenopause, when so many of us are being asked to slow down, soften, and relate to ourselves differently. Buffy, I'm so happy to have you here. Welcome to the podcast.

1:44 Buffy: Thank you very much. Lovely to be here.

Buffy’s journey from professional violinist to nutritional therapist

1:47 Soraya: Okay, so first of all, Buffy, could you share a little bit about your own journey with health and well-being and what inspired you to become a nutritional therapist and health coach?

1:56 Buffy: Yes, so um I actually started off life professionally as a violinist, uh musician. Um I um I was a freelance violinist from leaving college at two in 2000 and then fast forward um to I qualified about eight years ago, so fast forward four years before that, and I started a course doing at Plymourin uh naturopathic nutrition. Um the reason for that was for all sorts of reasons. One is I wanted to have a little bit more control over my diary and my working hours and not sort of be here, there and everywhere with a family, etc. etc. And two, through, like you mentioned, a sort of discovery of health and how you can really enhance it and um turn things around.

2:52 Buffy: Um, I just got a little bit more and more and more fascinated. I was actually kind of welcomed into the world of complementary um therapies through a homeopath who um at the time I was working with uh on various things, um, but growing up I had an early diagnosis of a thyroid condition, um, which was an autoimmune situation, um, and some of the kind of symptoms of that were a little bit kind of extra challenging for the teenage years, I would say, sort of being lethargic, um mood was extra challenging, um, cravings for all sorts of energy foods.

3:38 Buffy: Um I was away at boarding school at the time and I had a thoroughly fun time with lots of really beautiful humans, and at the same time, when you're at boarding school, you're kind of left to fight, you know, to sort of find your way around certain things, and when you're away at school, boarding school, I think that food plays quite a big part. It's quite common for quite a lot of girls who are growing up away from home to sort of find situations where they're sort of trying to sort of soothe themselves that they might otherwise have not kind of come across if they were in the family home type of thing.

4:17 Buffy: Um, was quite common, and so alongside the could the thyroid condition, sort of some sort of longer-term unwanted eating habits came on. You know, you learn that food is comforting, and of course, food is comforting, that's one of its great pleasures, but at the same time, that lack of energy and then that sort of natural inclination to reach for those foods that so many people can relate to, um, whether it's because it's processed so highly palatable or like high sugar, so that you get like a little bit of a kind of pick me up when you're exhausted, or whatever it is.

4:53 Buffy: Um, that all happened. And I didn't really realise that was just you know, I don't think anyone gave quite as much thought to that sort of thing at that point. Um, but it played into the thyroid condition, and it and those habits actually inhibited how I was feeling. Fast forward, and alongside homeopathy, I just became more interested in fitness, in brain clarity, in almost then digestive system. I didn't even realise that that was a that was a something that was sort of perhaps sluggish and slowing me down.

5:24 Buffy: Anyway, a friend of mine said, Go for it, be a nutritionist, or at least do the course because it's something that you're equally passionate about to music. So I think having had the privilege of having a job that was so fun, it was going to be tricky to find an alternative job that was as fulfilling and it was all about that side of things. Um, and she was right, it was great. Um, the add-ons of supporting with coaching and doing, I did quite a few bits of disordered eating qualifications on top, um, because it became really clear to me that a lot of the people who were coming to see me, not necessarily to severe extents, but their relationship with the way they feed themselves wasn't calm, it wasn't peaceful, there was a lot of overthinking, there was a lot of head noise, there were a lot of habits that they found themselves stuck with, and um it's a very sensitive area to deal with.

6:26 Buffy: There's a lot attached to the way that we eat, how we feed ourselves, what we put on our plate, even the way we eat it. Do we eat standing up, do we eat on the run? Do we eat out of a packet? Do we eat on our own? Do we eat with other people? Blah blah blah. So many things have a really big impact. Um and so the extra bits of coaching qualification was really to help people help themselves, um, and to just to understand a little bit more about where it's all come from. Um so and I'm a I'm slightly uh I never stop learning with with reading and doing courses and talking to other professionals about this because I think to a certain extent, particularly when women get to this middle-aged um part of life, and in a way it's super empowering because people know who they are, they know what they want, they've been through a lot.

7:24 Buffy: Most people have um had some pretty big life experiences by that point. Um there's a sort of confidence that comes with that, but quite often with the challenges that come with that old habits or insecurities or doubts about other things or frustrations about certain things sometimes start to rear their head.

Buffy’s thyroid diagnosis and early health challenges

7:48 Soraya: Um that's very interesting, um, Buffy. I just wanted to go back to the thyroid condition you had. So you you had that from as a teenager, is that right?

7:56 Buffy: Yeah. When I was about 15, um, you know, it's that classic thing, people are kind of constantly noticing that you're um tired or lazy or you know, whatever it is that is picked up on. I used to sort of really just want to fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon, um, but yet wasn't sleeping very well. It was just a kind of there certain things just weren't quite right. I was like carrying extra weight, not to an except excessive amount, but I was pretty sporty um and did lots of movement, but just wasn't very well.

8:34 Buffy: Um I think I went home for the holidays uh and my mum was like that something's not quite right. So she did her own research, went to the GP who was like, No, this doesn't, this doesn't come up, uh this isn't an early life thing anyway. Thanks, thanks mum, because they she sort of pushed for them to do a thyroid panel and it was all completely out of whack. And what had actually happened was I had Graves um Graves disease, which sounds dreadful, but it's just a it's an autoimmune thyroid condition, and I had a strange kind of presentation where um the symptoms of having an underactive thyroid, as in the lethargy and the weight gain, and um I had a couple of extra slightly strange things.

9:17 Buffy: I sort of one of my eyelids was quite droopy, and um, but then I also had some of the symptoms of being having an overactive thyroid, so my heart rate was extremely high, um, and I used to tremor quite a lot. Um, but being a violinist at that point as well, um, people I remember my teacher kind of kind of assuming it was nerves, um, and obviously it's a bit of that going on. So there was a whole kind of mishmatch of stuff, and it was really a few years after being on a car uh I was on a kind of mix of hypo and hyper medication that a specialist was um recommending that I needed to come off the carbimazole because further on down the line it can affect fertility and all sorts of things, something that I wasn't told at the time, and it was recommended to me that I had the radio iodine treatment, which then I mean on reflection as a personal choice, I probably wouldn't have done that now.

10:16 Buffy: But at the time that was what was recommended. Um, and um, then it puts your it takes away, it kind of kills too much of your thyroid glands, so then you are forevermore going to be, if left to your own devices, hypothyroid, so you go be lethargic, etc. That bucket of symptoms. Um, so you're on thyroxin then to various different levels to to bring you back. I actually think I'm super lucky to have had that when I was younger because it's fully controlled, and I've done quite a lot of kind of understanding health-wise around it and feel great on it.

10:54 Buffy: Um which I think for a lot of women the thyroid starts to struggle as they get to middle age or beyond, and that's brutal because everything starts to struggle at that point as hormones drop and everything can become a little bit overwhelming. So if your thyroid joins the party as well, um then that that issue of well, what brings a loss of people through my door is the desire to find more energy, have a healthy weight loss program, etc. etc. So it becomes a kind of mixed bag.

11:35 Soraya: So would you when you I mean you had the thyroid um condition from the age of 15, so when you came in adult and trained in nutrition, did you find the difference? Did you see it improved your energy levels?

How nutrition and lifestyle changes transformed Buffy’s energy

11:47 Buffy: Yes. I mean, by that point, um, what was going on for me personally was because it's quite a few years later, um, I probably started to retrain sort of in my late 30s, so that's quite a long time after teenage years. Um, but what I had noticed is that slowly over time the level of the dosage of thyroxin that I was being prescribed on as a result of regular blood tests was just slowly creeping up. There were a couple of kind of fluctuations for the two pregnancies I had for my daughters, but they tended to go, they tended to go like down again after the pregnancies, but always just a little bit higher than they were before.

12:30 Buffy: A little bit like when people lose weight, actually, and you lose the weight, and then it it if you're gonna put it on, you tend to kind of go a bit more. Anyway, I never thought of that analogy before, anyway. Um, I just didn't really want if I I it concerned me that if I was going to just slowly, as I get older, increasingly go up by 25 micrograms and go, where when was it going to stop and how much was I gonna need, and was that a problem? I didn't really trust this, I didn't really trust everything because as a teenager I'd just been told to be go on this medication, I'd never been an anti-medication, and then suddenly was told that carbimbazole long-term would damage my fertility.

13:08 Buffy: So I thought, well, maybe there's something going on here. So it was a kind of a quest to find out more and then find out what I could do as well. Um, and I think that was just a bit of a roller coaster. It wasn't about deep kind of studying at that point. I even for myself, I realized that if I cut out foods that weren't great for me, that in itself I felt better for. So it wasn't even necessarily just thyroid related, it was it was just a sort of slow burn, if you like, of just kind of going, well, when I have that, I don't feel so good.

13:42 Buffy: When I have about that, I and just slowly making changes and then going to college and finding out the science behind it. Um yeah.

13:54 Soraya: Yeah, no, it did. Thank you for sharing your journey. It's really interesting to see how you got where you are now and how it obviously helps you as well. Um, so your work brings together nutrition, mindset, nervous system support, and self-compassion. How do you weave together the physical body with emotional and inner well-being in your approach when you work with your clients?

Buffy’s holistic approach: nutrition, mindset and nervous system support

14:15 Buffy: Well, when when when I when I first meet somebody, everybody is completely unique. There might be things that um that people have got shared experiences with, but I offer three or four different um program lengths, depending on what it is that somebody uh brings that is sort of troubling with them, troubling them with, or um or how long it is that it's been kind of going on. When um I kind of meet the so it's important to meet each client where where they are, and where the teaching side of it can comes in, I guess, is is that people have lost connection with themselves quite a lot of the time.

14:59 Buffy: Um that's not necessarily on a on a deep level, that's right down to learning how to listen to themselves, trust themselves to listen to themselves. Um you take appetite, for example. Um most of us have lost the ability to be able to read our hunger or fullness um cues from a really, really young age, and that's from attentive parents who want you to eat enough so that you sleep enough, right from a really young age. Um, you think about those like babies who are being fed, very rarely breathfed babies just because it's a it you can't kind of quantify it in the same way.

15:39 Buffy: But sometimes if um I remember when I was uh feeding my own daughters the odd bottle, and they you know, when they've had enough, they push it away. A baby pushes it away when they don't want it. Um but as soon as you get to kind of weaning and and learning to eat, there's quite a lot of no, just one more mouthful, just have one more mouthful, which is kind of all of that. So um most people um would feel like they are full when they're actually kind of when they can when they're uncomfortably full almost.

16:11 Buffy: So it's about revisiting, looking out for satisfaction, kind of when you're nourished um feelings rather than just I need to undo my top button of my trousers because I've eaten too much type thing. Um so but that so it's not just about food though, sometimes it's about relearning how not to push through all sorts of situations. So um when you know everybody walks around constantly, oh goodness, I'm so tired, I'm exhausted, I'm this, I'm that, it's like, oh, I only had four hours sleep last night, as if that's somehow a good demonstration of how hard somebody's working, or how stretched they are, or how much they've sort of wrung themselves out, or whatever.

16:54 Buffy: And that's just a kind of society of pressure, or it's the life of a young mum, or whatever it is, but learning how to slowly, even if it's just a small nod in the right direction when we're exhausted, sit down for a minute, or if we're thirsty, uh go and get some water rather than just sort of pushing through, or oh if we don't we're not enjoying a conversation, politely removing ourselves from it rather than staying in it and getting really wound up, or it's kind of boundaries as as well as habits and all these sorts of things.

17:30 Buffy: And the way that this feeds through into other parts of programmes is that it's when somebody is just in a daily practice of just quietly listening to their own instincts on what they want, they start to care about themselves a little bit more, they just start to notice. So, this whole kind of you know, look after yourself, take care, self-care, all this sort of stuff. For somebody who's not in a great place with themselves, just sort of telling them to sort of you know, look after yourself, but it's like that's not gonna happen.

18:06 Buffy: You sort of start, you need to start off by just being interested in yourself, just be interested in what it is, notice what you need, and try and go some way to meet that, you know. Um so that's that's sort of that's sort of part of it. Sometimes it's about um a lack of confidence of what actually somebody's own sort of knowledge about what is good for them or what isn't good for them. Some people come feeling quite ashamed of and uh quite often it's coming ashamed of perhaps how they feel they might be feeding their children, or but actually it it comes down to their own confidence about themselves.

18:44 Buffy: They might have they might have um grown up in a household where cooking was resented or food was a stressful thing, or and they kind of carry that, they're aware that they carry it and they don't want to carry it anymore. Um so it all gets weaved, like I say, it's everybody every session is meeting the client where they are with what they've come from. Um, and it's a mixture of handing out. Sometimes there'll be more exercises to help with habit change or self-reflection or movement or with it with a bit of nutrition, and other times it might be that we have a deep dive into their weekly patterns and look for ways that it could be slowly, uh slowly changed potentially rather than like a big kind of right, that's it, I'm never doing this again, I'm never doing that.

19:41 Buffy: Um I always encourage just slowly, slowly, because if it's slowly, slowly, it will stick. Um, some people hit the floor running, and others um it can take a lot longer.

Why listening to your body’s signals is so important in midlife

19:58 Soraya: Yeah, that's really interesting. I just want to go back on the point when you're talking about listening to the body's signals and and ask, you know, why do you think it's so important in healing, especially in midlife with women that we had this conversation kind of before we started recording? So yeah, I wanted to go kind of go back there.

20:18 Buffy: Well, the body is trying every every day we wake up with a new kind of it's it's the most forgiving thing ever that it doesn't matter what we do to our bodies, it tries constantly to um be the best version of itself that it can. Like and so we we can never really know unless we've sort of got a specific thing which is um hurting us, or we're getting a pain somewhere, or we've got to cut, you know, the the body will be prioritizing all sorts of things in the background that we that we don't know about.

20:54 Buffy: So when we get a a symptom of something, quite often it the body's already done quite a lot to try and sort that out for us before. So just noticing rather than pushing through, um is a sort of the first step, I guess, to to letting the body kind of crack on and and do what it wants to do. Um when we're I what we were talking about earlier was that kind of slight pressure sometimes on busy middle-aged women um who are juggling quite a lot and quite often not putting themselves on the table quite at the same proportion as others.

21:36 Buffy: Sometimes it's not possible, sometimes it's more possible, um, but sort of pushing through. Um so I I guess one of the first steps in feeling good uh is is just addressing that, um, which might show up in pushing through with not having very good work boundaries, or whether it's pushing through with always being the person who picks up. by the balls without you know feeling like you should be the person to to sort of solve all the problems for all the people. Um it's about sort of catching each and again that's what I mean about meeting each piece each person where they are sometimes culturally it's quite challenging.

22:13 Buffy: Sometimes in certain situations extra responsibilities land on on mums to uh you know go the extra mile um and it depends what within a family what did the what did their mum um demonstrate you know I think a lot of the time that uh people I've spoken to in their sessions will talk about that you know they're trying to do everything that they saw their mum do and they're also now trying to do extra things so it's possible that their mum didn't work as many hours as they did and it's possible that they maybe had a little bit more help than they did but whether it's for financial reasons or just trying to live up to that societal con if you like that it's it's possible to have everything.

23:10 Buffy: You can do this and you can do this and you can do that. That quite quickly becomes a should and then if you don't it it's all of that.

Generational patterns around food, stress and expectations

23:17 Soraya: But it's also a cycle would you say Buffy like you know our mums or the mums they probably struggled as well but didn't show it because they had to think from their mums and then their mums and it just passes down through generations and then you get to a point when you know a lot of the time it's about not we we grow up with certain values and stories about things and that's that's completely that's completely fine.

23:43 Buffy: It's completely normal it's just that quite often those aren't ever rechecked in on as to whether or not they actually still apply or whether we even agree with them anymore. Quite often we can we can realise if we go back to food for example quite a lot of the time when people are struggling with overeating for example they in the background they've still got without their awareness we need to finish everything that's on your plate or you know you you you mustn't waste it because of the situation some people don't have what you have and you're lucky so you should it's rude not to finish what your plate or or conversely it's greedy to have another thing of you know it could depends people are uh in are dealing with all sorts of different things um those those teachings and habits and values that we have from very very young they don't they're not going to go anywhere unless they're re you know unless they're re-evaluated so quite often with people in conversation it will come up oh no I can't do that because of X and so in the so what in a coaching situation it's kind of like but is that true is that still is that is that actually still true do you still do you as a as an adult or as a mum now yourself do you actually is that what you think?

25:07 Buffy: Oh no it isn't I don't so then it's a question of just being really aware of when these when it when these things come up because they can be sometimes the barrier or the blocks um without us really into realising to why it it's so easy to get stuck. Sometimes it's super super quick and with the what I do notice is that with younger clients so a lot of my clients are sort of 40 plus but I do have clients who's sort of in their early twenties and if they're at a good place to really engage with with sessions their um their turnaround what they there that happens quite often quite a lot quicker and that makes sense because they've had a couple of decades less of being entrenched in that in that thinking and those patterns and well it's programming isn't it it's a the deeply embedded programming we have you know from seeing what's going on around us and taking in as being the truth of how it should be the perception.

26:09 Buffy: Yeah I guess it's about you know changing that so going to my next question so how do patterns like restriction people pleasing stress or disconnect is disconnection from the body tend to sharpen women's health and how can you shift that well I think burnout that feeling of burnout and exhaustion um people pleasing is a is a is a is a real thing um but to touch on that I remember listening to um a podcast years ago um about a discussion on pip people pleasing and how actually when you think about it it's not really people pleasing it's not it's not actually necessarily a kind thing to do for the other person.

People-pleasing, burnout and setting healthier boundaries

26:58 Soraya: If we're putting say for example if somebody was to invite you to dinner and you didn't really want to go or you didn't feel up to it or whatever your reason and you kind of go oh but I really should I really should go I mean I've told them I'm gonna go but I really don't want to and blah blah blah blah blah all of that stuff actually quite often there are always ways of saying no that don't have to be rude and don't have to be offensive or impolite and actually if you were the person who was cooking dinner for six people and you knew that three of those people didn't actually want to be there and come for dinner you wouldn't that's that's not actually very kind for them to push through and come and have your dinner that you've slaved over for you know that sort of thing so sometimes when people pleasing comes up in sessions it's like well is it what actually would be people pleasing what what is the kindest for a kind of boundary to what it what is a good a a a kind polite boundary for both sides and just to sort of dig into and that will go back to what they've been brought up with I was definitely brought up right when you've accepted an invitation you go you like you like there's there's no there's no kind of changing of plans that's no that would be rude this was this blah blah blah blah blah so flexible thinking I was at that was I had very strong for good for good reason um value sort of instilled to me but actually as you sort of start to think for yourself and realise that you're still kind of putting yourself through I mean that was just one sort of slightly silly example but when you're still putting yourself through the same rules if you like the same shifts without actually stopping and kind of going well hang on a minute what you know there's all of there's all of that um it shows up in um in an with anxiety quite a lot of the time a lot of a lot of the time um women in particular are kind of living in fear of judgment about all sorts of things whether it's what they look like or how their children behave or whether or not they've contributed enough to the school tombola or whether they have enough you you know everybody's got a different sort of mix of anxiety and stuff yeah so I mean you you the way I'm my understanding is you help your clients shift the way they see things by kind of looking at different perspectives and kind of reframing things is that right that's definitely yeah that's definitely a big part that's definitely a big part and and there's a lot of presumption as well I'm I've so often um find myself talking to people about let's put everything on the table before we just presume that we know what what what's going on here so somebody um again taking a really silly silly examples quite often just to just to get people to kind of open up their open up their thinking on things.

30:02 Buffy: You know somebody is a bit snappy with you in a shop you know for example or at the school gates or whatever it is does that immediately mean that they think you're a dreadful mum or that you're this or you're whatever it is no that they've probably you know come from they've had a probably a very stressful drop-off themselves they might be really exhausted they might have other things to do we tend to make everything about ourselves and think it's all the main character of the story well and you know that's that's normal at the same time sometimes it's really quite helpful just to kind of go actually there are 40 40 squillion other reasons why this could be where it is I've got no way of knowing which one it is and so for that reason kind of I'm out you know what I mean it's like I'll think about it when I really know what's going on rather than the kind of fear all the time.

The impact of overthinking and how to shift negative thought patterns

30:54 Soraya: It's exhausting it's just exhausting of course it is tiring you know we've got like 65,000 thoughts every single day so that's a lot of thinking and a lot of it's a lot of it worry about nothing really that's revising well that's the thing as well you know and again it when when people your brain just will fast forward shortcut to the things that you normally think about.

31:16 Buffy: So it's quite important on that kind of train um to be aware that we're on that train and actually consciously choose to jump off. Like so you know Peg I don't um the the practitioner who I mentioned who I work with years ago is this this guy called Matt Pepper and he he um he actually wrote a book all about kind of happiness and and various techniques called Happiness the inside job for anybody who wants to read it by Matt Pepper. It's a great it's a great book um and he talks about these two different trains you know you've got the groovy train um let's get on the groovy train of thoughts because when we have a certain when we have a good thought um it won't take long for another positive thought to come and attach itself to that thought and then off you go but similarly if we're on a kind of anxious thing and our brain's always looking out for what's going to go wrong or what might there sort then similarly we can we'll jump on that train which is never going in a nice direction.

32:16 Soraya: So yeah well that's a reticular activating system so the more we see something of the more of it will come towards us.

32:23 Buffy: Exactly so we want to be on the lookout for the good things I quite often get really one of my favorite exercises to give people who are feeling funky is you know we're all on our phones constantly but with with the phone when you're out and about or around just take anytime you see a um something that just brings you some joy whether it's the sight of it's snowing whether it's the sight of snow or whether it's the colour of something or it's a flower or it's a something so just take a picture of it and pop it in an album and slowly you'll build an album of all these things that you just you just like I encourage them not to be people or food related but then slowly it just it means that as you're out and about you find yourself looking out for things that you that bring you joy rather than the negative things yeah your brain on doing something else it's like little things but I think yeah that's that's a great tip.

Simple practices to support positive mindset and self-compassion

33:24 Soraya: I mean I when I work with clients we have like I encourage them to have gratitude journals just to you know remember what it is every day that they're grateful for but that's a great tip as well to go around and just spot things.

33:34 Buffy: Yeah I think and the there's so much evidence isn't there about the grassy thing and I I I do a slightly different thing with clients on that but a same same same kind of theme I just we we talk a little bit more because a lot of people are finding it that they're they're feeling down about whatever it is that they've got going on it's important to feel to see what's what they're grateful to have um and they're also in this kind of stuck kind of place so it's a combination of that one of the one of my favourite things and again I can't remember who I heard mention this but I thought it was great so I now use it um at the end of every day just have a look through the day and what was difficult what what was hard what but you did it anyway that you managed to do it anyway to kind of build some confidence in the good things that you're doing even when you feel like you're just not nailing it.

34:30 Buffy: So it might even be like I don't know you didn't particularly want to go and speak to somebody but you you did you put your big girl pants on and off and off you went or you didn't particularly want to choose to have salad for lunch and stuff but but you did and you're glad that you did. So that's another angle on what you're saying. Yeah.

34:49 Soraya: Yeah that's the yeah the same self-praise like it's praising yourself I think a lot of us you know even as adults we're relying on external validation and it's about realizing that it's more the internal validation just telling yourself that you're doing well I think that's much more powerful.

Why healing isn’t about willpower – addressing the root cause

35:05 Buffy: Yeah well I don't think anyone we've got the we've got the kind of capacity to be the nicest person ever to ourselves more than anyone else could ever be. Because we could know what's going on all the time and conversely sadly quite often we're the nastiest that we can be to ourselves.

35:25 Soraya: I always say that it's like well you know we're so kind to our friends and we're so mean to ourselves you would never speak to your friends the way we speak to ourselves. Yeah you know you you wouldn't want to be friends of yourself.

35:38 Buffy: So yeah so again it's like awareness isn't it it's like just notice and and you have to fake it to make it sometimes you're gonna have to take action before you feel like taking action that that is a that is a thing but it's the action that needs to change. So that's always it's like almost I was trying to say to people just try and enjoy that bit like just try and just just just like just do it as an exit you don't have to you know yeah completely it's a habit as well isn't it's that you said you start it and then you kind of work on that and it becomes natural to you that becomes your automatic autopilot as opposed to the negative side yeah and the other thing that's really important is when you do have a win even if it's like the smallest win yeah really acknowledge it to yourself.

36:24 Buffy: Don't kind of be that whole kind of you know oh well I should have been doing that anyway and I should have done it before immediately kind of like no no no no you've got to feel that you start to want that feeling of the win more than you want what could have been the alternative behaviour type thing. Yeah no that's great yeah good advice buffy um and how does working with the nervous system and root cause differ from purely willpower based or mental approaches to health I don't really believe in willpower I think I I I just yeah that's I I um yeah I don't really buy into the willpower thing um I think we kind of go back upstream from that a little bit and um again I'll never forget a coach who I um had many conversations with years ago and she was super helpful Helen Bennett her name was and she always used to say um that whenever she hears a a client say should what she really hears is I don't want to so you know I really should go to the gym or I should drink more water or I should this or I should that now it might be that you do actually want to drink more water but should is not an action word and it's a kind of you know shoulding on yourself is is not going to get you anywhere.

37:43 Buffy: You're either going to choose I am going to do this or you're not I are you going to go to the gym or not and you might not want to go to the gym but you might want the feeling after you've been to the gym so just to get rid of the should and actually that kind of self-empowerment of making an actual choice and this time of year is a nightmare for people shoulding themselves to do all sorts of things. The new use resolutions of the new way of life and and that doesn't last very long the willpower is that wellpower is that yeah it's I mean there's a certain amount of momentum at the of enthusiasm at the beginning of it sometimes making having the idea feels good but when you're making some sort of resolution or you're deciding that you're going to go for a goal and quite often beginning of the year is when I do quite a lot of goal setting with people when making that goal so maybe it's that somebody wants to be able to run 10k by the time it's the end of February it's like okay cool but don't just picture kind of putting on your new lovely leggings that you just got for Christmas and your new trainers and then going out on a nice sunny day and everything being kind of hunky dory but as part of the process you've also got to think about the days when it's really cold and it might be raining but that's your running day so you've still got to go or the time when you go out and it's then you know that you've got to picture the whole thing to make it realistic so that when you then hit some of those hurdles they don't completely throw you off because suddenly it's harder than you thought it was going to be it just like if that makes sense so of course but it's but again it goes back to understanding why they have those beliefs in the first place and when we go back to talking about like the food how people eat the comfort eating so in order to change that's not the willpower it's about addressing where that came from right that's what you're doing and and kind of reframing looking at different perspectives.

39:46 Buffy: Yeah yeah but looking at it and sometimes not necessarily going in I mean sometimes people want to talk about it a lot and they want to just process it because it helps them to kind of like then move it on other people it not so much it's just a question of kind of going yeah that happened but now what are we gonna do? Let's like sometimes it's helpful not to dwell on that and just accept you know that that that that happened I think that's it's easy I mean parental relationships mother relationships all that sort of stuff could you know historically can be really really hard for for everybody and I don't know if if you feel like this but certainly the older I get the more understanding you kind of realize that well of course my mum when she was 50 she was just trying to do her best gig as a 50 year old she's not had teenager children before either so it's kind of but we we feel like our parents should have everything sorted and just you know but they're just they're just humans like we are so it's a point like I can't think of you and that's one of the reasons why I don't work with like two younger people as well it's like if somebody comes and they've got issues going on with their parents when they're younger it's like and they're and they're struggling with that it's like well kind of fair enough but by the time you get to midlife and you've got your own family you're making your own decisions it's like come on you can make your it's for you now like let's let's that happened and that's nobody would wish discomfort on anyone else but it happens and and now what now what you know let's try to let go yeah like yeah let's try and make our own new not be defined by the past I I agree.

41:27 Buffy: Yeah just and so it depends everybody's you know individual so many women feel stuck with symptoms like hot flushes anxiety and fatigue how do you help clients uncover what's really driving those experiences beneath the surface so from a kind of more clinical perspective like thinking more along like nutrition rather than the emotional things going on in the background when people's experience of menopause and symptoms that you talk about quite often the extent the greater or lesser extent to that they struggle with quite often depends on their levels their own personal levels of kind of inflammation within the body like how much how much pressure if you like if is your system under and that includes stress um systemic inflammation other kind of chronic conditions maybe they've got added to which diet and lifestyle choices which might be draining their system rather than nourishing their system so that's you know um ultra processed foods or alcohol or recreational smoking or whatever it is that they've got going on there'll be lots of different it's it's not one or two things going on that will then play out in how what our experience of these symptoms can be.

Menopause symptoms, inflammation and hormonal changes

42:49 Buffy: One of the I always think one of the biggest kickers at this time of life is the is the way sleep gets interrupted. So it might be that by the time people have got to the perimenopause menopause stage they might be having slightly their children might be a little bit older if they have children and so any kind of disrupted sleep problems that they might have had from that they then they've got their sleep back on track but then the hormone fluctuations and um waking up at four o'clock in the morning and not being able to get back sleep again and racing heads and brain fogs and all that sort of stuff is again it's a frustration is a big one of the big big things that comes up um with clients because they want to be able to sleep and get the rest that they need which would help them but they just their their bodies are struggling with that so approaching that is is important really really important and so sometimes it's simple what seemingly what seems quite obvious like like whether it's screen screen patterns and habits and what your actual sleep routines are or Whether it's general stress management to try and bring back to to calm the system a bit, um what foods help, what foods don't, all all sorts of things.

44:12 Buffy: Um the the menopause and perimenopause symptoms are I mean it's basically it could be anything, absolutely anything, because every part of our body oestrogen affects all all all the cells and all the functions of the body, so we have the sudden drop along with the progesterone, etc. Um, it affects everything and our and then add to that the extra kicker of the the drop of progesterone in our moods, and then you know where you feel, how you feel with your outlook has a huge impact then on choices that you might make.

The role of sleep, stress and lifestyle in midlife health

44:49 Buffy: So if, for example, you're somebody who is in a situation where food has been a comfort and perhaps an overeating, soothing situation, and then we've got even lower moods due to sudden drops in hormones and all of that kind of chaos, and we might be struggling with not having enough sleep, and being sleep-deprived is sort of has quite a few symptoms that are quite similar to being a bit drunk, you know. You just like when if you've if you've been out and had a few drinks the night before, the next day, you're going to crave sugary things, you're going to be a bit ratty, you're going to be all of those things.

45:25 Buffy: It's quite similar to if you've had no sleep. So there's a whole kind of melting pot. Um, and it's a question of just seeing where the biggest bits are and just making small adjustments. Because the the really cool thing is that even though these things, when you're turning when you're looking at things naturally, and you're looking at maybe deficiencies as well, that's another really important part. You know, you look at somebody's diet, and um quite often you can see immediately what they might be lacking in.

45:59 Buffy: Um sometimes blood tests definitely um play a part for seeing where somebody is with their iron levels, their thyroid, and all that sort of stuff. That's a whole different thing. But what's great about the process is that even though if you accept it's going to take a little bit of time, um just by virtue of getting into the habit of actually making small improvements, that feels good when people people start to kind of enjoy the process of looking after themselves, even though you've always seen the frustration of it taking a long time.

46:32 Buffy: That doesn't feel as stuck as just being stuck. It's that kind of feeling of I always say it's a bit like being in a traffic jam, it's just that weird feeling. If you're in a completely stationary traffic jam and you've been there and you have been for like 25 minutes, even if you just move forward one car's worth, it just makes you that that that feels good, just moving forward. It's the same sort of thing. Um, within somebody's journey, if they just start to feel like they've got some sort of movement, that's momentum.

Small daily changes that build momentum and empowerment

47:05 Soraya: That's and I guess there's also kind of like that sense of empowerment as well, you know, when you're going through all of this stuff and you're feeling awful by coming to see you and actually making small changes and knowing that you can actually make yourself feel better, that's a great feeling there.

47:21 Buffy: Yeah, yeah, no, definitely. And I then then small is is is the thing. It's like we want it to be really small to start with, because another another um thing that I try and uh encourage people to do when it's the right time is to start like what I call their daily minimal for them. So a more and preferably a morning habit. So uh what are their morning routine, and everyone's like, oh no, but I have to get up for the kids and have to this and after that. It's like yeah, but you do, and you don't feel great doing that right now.

47:53 Buffy: So if we can get up ten minutes earlier, just ten minutes earlier, and know that within that ten minutes you might do five minutes for yourself of stretching or whatever it is, each person it's important not to sort of suddenly make somebody do yoga if they think yoga is the worst thing that's ever happened. It's not about that, but something so that whatever happens that day, you've done that five minutes for you, and you definitely will feel different and you promise that you'll feel different for having done something for yourself for five minutes than if you hadn't.

48:27 Buffy: Sometimes you might be pissed off and you might be a little bit more kind of well now. I've got even less time. You might go down that from time to time, but more often than not, you'll have started the day with putting something, you know, one of your needs or something that's good for your needs.

48:42 Soraya: Um I can definitely um say that works because I did the same thing a few years ago. I started waking up earlier because I would just otherwise before that, I was just to wake up and hit the ground running, like be doing a hundred things, taking care of everyone else, and then I'll just rush through the whole day feeling really anxious, overthinking. But by waking up earlier, it would be, I think it was like half an hour earlier than I had to. I had that time to meditate, to read, and to kind of like get myself, you know, ready for the day.

49:09 Buffy: Whatever it is that's your thing, yeah, I think it helps. Yeah, it really does. Rangan just you talks about um micro and macro stresses as well. Um I'm sure loads of your listeners of of are familiar with his work, but that is another another consideration as well. We quite often just add little micro stresses completely at our own will. But actually, by the time you've done ten of those, that's gonna drain your drain your energy and drain your what I call resilience bucket quite quite significantly.

49:44 Buffy: Um Yeah, no, I love I mean I love it. It takes it can it can take quite a l a while to find you know, for somebody to find their flow. Um and it's not always it's not always, you know, it goes up and down depending on what their life's carrying on while they're trying to do all this, right?

50:04 Soraya: But I do think it's important to carve that time out for yourself. I thought as a woman, especially as a mum, you know, we're doing so much for everyone else, it's so important to have that small time to yourself just to kind of really view of yourself and take care and fill up your cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, in your work, Buffy, what recurring themes or breakthroughs do you see when women move through perimenopause or menopause?

Rediscovering confidence and reconnecting with yourself

50:29 Buffy: Well, that can be all sorts of things, like it quite often um if they've if if the initial motivator was kind of weight loss relate uh related, then that would that would play a part. But increased energy, one of the most exciting things for me though is the kind of kind of confidence, um sort of a sense of self-connection and possibility of all you know of of just being on on their on their on their on their way. They were stuck on their way, and that can be all sorts of things. It's being people who've left jobs they don't like and started again, or it might be people who've you know done X, Y, or Z for years because they always thought that they should, and they're actually like they've thrown that out and they've started something else, or um it's a the the confidence.

51:26 Buffy: I think confidence is a is confidence and self-care and yeah, all sorts of things that you um part of the process at the beginning through a questionnaire and through conversations to talk about all sorts of things that somebody might be putting up with, um, health-wise or otherwise, that they just they almost haven't noticed anymore just because it's become so normal that that it doesn't flag, but it's not right, it's not it's not right to have a headache at four o'clock every day, or it's not right to feel a sense of severe dread every time you go to the bus stop and on your way to X, Y, and Z. It's like slowly, slowly, slowly helping people to help themselves um is it's it's brilliant.

52:14 Buffy: I love it.

52:15 Soraya: It's the kind of like a way for them to reconnect for themselves, is that right?

52:19 Buffy: Yes, I suppose and then there's some I think there are a lot of people who um you know, I certainly I couldn't put a date or a or a time specifically on it, but I think I don't think I'd ever really connected with myself until I don't know, we as you go through the teenage years or the kind of twenties or whatever, I'm not even really sure what what the time is, but I think it's a real privilege to be supporting somebody at a point where they sort of give themselves a bit of a shake and go, Oh, hang on a minute, actually, I do I do know, you know, quite often people won't even know really know what they like, or they won't they won't really know what they want, and that's fine, that's fine, that's just that's that's okay, you know.

53:05 Soraya: I think it's again it's about working through that and for them to kind of connect with their own self, their inner kind of guidance who what they actually want, isn't it? Because they're so used to doing things for other people and you know, kind of going along the social norms that you forget what it is that you actually want. And in this time of our lives, we are at ready to kind of reconnect and be true to ourselves.

53:27 Buffy: Yeah, and I think I the it's important, I think everybody has got all the skills that they need, everybody's got absolutely everything that they need within themselves to to do it. So somebody when you're when you're working at something, it might be that at work they're incredibly organized or they're incredibly disciplined or whatever it is, but just when it comes to themselves, it's it's it's it's not the same. So it's kind of exploring what somebody's natural skill set is and applying it to themselves.

53:57 Buffy: When you're making changes nutritionally as well, for example, it's like a lot of most a lot of people know what it is that they want to do more of or less of, but that's not necessarily being backed up by what's in their cupboards or their fridges or whatever, and so it's very hard to kind of go, Well, I'm never going to uh I you know, I I don't really want to eat auto processed foods anymore if the freezer is just completely full of them for whatever reason. Everybody's got to fall back on convenience food at some time.

54:31 Buffy: It's like life's busy, it's got to be a balance, it's absolutely that's essential, otherwise you're just creating a whole nother stress. But it's just about managing again the number like managing your environment, if you like, managing your your to be as supportive for you as well as all the other needs. Like it's um little things, little things make a really big difference.

54:56 Soraya: Yeah, yeah, thanks Fathi. And so could you share one simple practice, whether nutritional, nervous system, or mindset-based, that listeners could try today to feel more grounded in their bodies. One habit one simple practice. So it could be nutritional, nervous system, or mindset based.

One simple habit to improve wellbeing: hydration

55:18 Buffy: Well one of the one of the simplest things to do that a lot of people um uh struggle with is drinking more water.

55:31 Soraya: Especially when it's cold, I think it's much easier in summertime when you automatically want to drink more water, but when it's cold, it's kind of harder, right?

55:39 Buffy: Everything is so much easier when our bodies are hydrated. If there was just gonna be one, if if the if it was just gonna be one thing, that would be the the the nutritional the nutritional thing. Um an obvious one is is um add one more source of fibre to your plate each day or something, but the water thing is amazing because the effect on your digestion, your mood, your hunger when you're if you're dehydrated, quite often that's gonna lead you to eat. But actually, what you need to do is drink all that sort of stuff.

56:21 Buffy: That's hard. I talk too much. I'm coming up with one thing is quite tricky, but that's that's uh that's an easy one. And start small. If you don't drink any water at all right now, then start with half a cup across the day. Just start with that, it's gonna be better than what you were doing before.

56:38 Soraya: We're aiming for two liters, is it two litres of water per day we're supposed to be drinking?

56:42 Speaker: One and a half to two, but that can be in various forms, you know. It could be and you know, if you if it's cold, go warm. Warm water.

56:52 Soraya: Yeah, that's what I've been trying to do. I think warm water is better for me during the cold climate.

57:00 Buffy: Yes.

57:01 Soraya: Um and if what's lighting you up most in your work at the moment?

What lights Buffy up most in her work

57:11 Buffy: I I I helping people change, make the changes that they want to do that lights me up. I find it really inspiring. It's it's I feel good um with with when I'm working, and it's not always completely straightforward. Um but feeling like you're supporting someone to make a difference that they really want to make is is brilliant. I'm very really privileged with with people sharing what it is that they're uh working at and being able to see them move forwards and just have a different day to day. It's not like and just a different relationship with themselves sometimes, you know.

57:53 Buffy: Sometimes if it's a real and a really draining food um stressful situation, then seeing somebody let go of that is just amazing because to have to go through every day and your day being a good day or a bad day, depending on how you know what you've eaten, what you've eaten too much of, what you haven't eaten, or how mean you've been to yourself essentially, or whatever, it's just it's a horrible, horrible place to to you know for somebody to go through their day on. So to to lighten somebody's load, um it's it's a it's it's a real privilege.

58:34 Soraya: And go going back to um habits, do you have a personal daily habit or ritual that helps you stay connected to your body and inner wisdom?

Buffy’s personal daily habit for staying grounded

58:44 Buffy: I think I've got quite a few, but the the morning the morning 15 minutes to myself is completely it's uh it's a non-negotiable for me. Um even if I'm on holiday or um wherever I am, I'll just you know I can't always do the full 15 minutes if sometimes you but and if I if for some reason it's not being possible, then I try and go back at some point in the day and just take take a minute. Um just so I've yeah, so I've sort of shown up. It makes a big difference, but I it it it just becomes kind of it is it just becomes a non-negotiable after a while.

59:22 Buffy: But it wasn't easy when I just when I first started doing that. It I really I needed to build up streaks to encourage myself. I had a an app that I followed which would cover a few different things, whether it was breathing or meditation or movement or stretching, and I I definitely found that I needed to do that and have the kind of satisfaction of ticks across the thing, or whatever it is, that's all part of um yeah, that's that's my habit, isn't it?

59:49 Soraya: Once you do it over a certain time, you get used to it, it becomes part of your day.

59:53 Buffy: Yeah.

59:54 Soraya: Um, and if you could leave women listening with one message about honouring their body power and an intuition in midlife, what would it be?

Final message: Trust yourself and listen to your body

1:00:01 Soraya: Trust yourself.

1:00:04 Buffy: Trust yourself. You you can you can you can uh you can f trust yourself to follow your instinct. You you'll you'll be alright.

1:00:17 Soraya: Love that. And I always ask these questions on the podcast. So what's something your body or intuition has been teaching you lately?

1:00:27 Buffy: To drop my shoulders. Okay, really just I I always that's always been a thing for me. If I check in with myself, I almost always can find that this room just uh that so I try and do that as and the breathing. Yeah, yeah.

1:00:50 Soraya: It's funny though, because we automatically that have quite shallow breathing, and I also notice that when I get stressed, I I just slow down the breath, and it's just automatic for me. I breathe through my I just do a big breathing out, and that really helps me whenever I get stressed with the kids. It's just an automatic thing that I do, it does help.

1:01:08 Buffy: Well, that's good. That's what that's exactly a brilliant example of kind of like what works for you. Um that's yeah, and I think with the it goes back for so so many years. I remember my mum always used to make say so say to me if she could see that I was really kind of fuming about something, she'd say, go and stand on the front door and breathe in and out ten times and then come back in. Oh but you'd go outside and you go and then come back in, it wasn't a difference, but I'd never do it, but now you know, 30 feet.

1:01:36 Soraya: It's so funny because I'm trying to teach my my kids that whenever they get stressed or angry, it just to go it doesn't work, it doesn't work. So yeah.

1:01:45 Speaker: But I think what but but I think if I was gonna go back and tweak that, I would have wanted to see her do it. Like I think I I think that what I really need to do, um, as a conscious kind of practice, which I really like doing because it's a win for everyone, it's not actually sort of preach it or teach it, just do it. Because you're being watched and noticed and everything that you do.

1:02:08 Soraya: Oh, they see me, trust me, Buffy. They see me when I'm stressed.

1:02:11 Buffy: That's great. Well, it will be going in. You've just had to trust that it's going in.

1:02:14 Soraya: I do, I trust I trust the process.

1:02:17 Buffy: It's been so lovely to talk to you. So lovely.

1:02:19 Soraya: Just one last question, Buffy, before you go. What does living as your limitless self mean to you right now?

1:02:31 Buffy: I just I'm I'm just really I'm delighted to I don't know, everyone's a work in I'm a work in progress all the time. Everybody's a work in progress. So I think that um that I just in enjoying that. I'm enjoying that. I haven't always been massively kind to myself years ago. I'm super I don't think I ever expected to benefit myself so much from the process of retraining and learning and um and just working with people. Um that just feels that feels that feels great and something I'm super grateful to then translates to I don't know, just my day-to-day.

1:03:17 Buffy: We'll always learn new stuff, right?

1:03:20 Soraya: Always expanding.

1:03:22 Buffy: Always yeah.

1:03:23 Soraya: Oh, thank you so much, Buffy. I really enjoyed our conversation.

1:03:27 Speaker: Thank you.

1:03:28 Soraya: Um yeah, so um, yes, speak to you soon, Buffy. Oh, before you go, also share with the listeners how they can reach you.

How to connect with Buffy

1:03:36 Buffy: So, quite simply, uh my website is https://www.buffyrowe.com . Everybody is um welcome if they feel like uh they'd be interested to find out how I could help. Um, there's a link on there for booking an introductory call, which is free, and I can briefly explain more about how I work and how um that could support you. So that's probably the easiest way of doing it.

1:04:00 Soraya: Okay, perfect. All right then. Thank you, Buffy. All right, thanks. Bye-bye, bye-bye. So much for listening to Hope. And it's something today's episode, and you're getting ready for me.