Why So Many Women Feel Disconnected in Midlife — And How to Reclaim Yourself with Aine Rock | Hot Flushes & Higher Self

0:00 Soraya: Welcome to the show.

0:01 Soraya: Hi, thanks for having me.

0:03 Soraya: My pleasure.

0:04 Soraya: So just before we start, just share a little bit about your personal and professional journey and what led you into this type of work.

0:12 Aine: Absolutely.

0:13 Aine: Yeah.

0:13 Aine: So I am a mother of two teenagers.

0:18 Aine: I was a coach for years and really went on a journey of my own personal journey of somatic therapy, which means, you know, we all know talk therapy, but somatic therapy is actually like using the body as information and a guide.

0:36 Aine: And so through my own healing, I was on this journey of somatics and I'm a writer and author.

0:43 Aine: And um part of my personal journey was moving my family to California.

0:52 Aine: And I happened to be reunited in California with my best friend of 25 years, just as I was leaving my marriage.

0:59 Aine: So it was perfect timing in the sense that I was about to have halftime custody of my kids.

1:05 Aine: And so my best friend and I had lunch and she said, Well, when you're not with the kids, why don't you live in the same building as I do?

1:12 Aine: So we ended up back in the same city for the first time in maybe 24 of the 26 years we've been friends.

1:18 Speaker 3: Yeah.

1:19 Aine: And um from there we developed um Sophania, which is the company we have together.

1:26 Aine: And I also wrote a book at the same time, which is about um leaving my marriage and really trusting uh the calling.

1:37 Aine: Really, what I what I call the wild art of wanting more in my book is this knowing that we have when life is taking us in a new direction, when there's somewhere that we're um something we're called to that often doesn't make sense on paper.

1:52 Aine: But we um, and as women, we're kind of taught to rationalize with that and override it and use logic.

1:59 Aine: And um, a huge piece of my work professionally and personally was learning to trust that again.

2:06 Aine: And um, and so, you know, beautifully I'm able to bring that into the brand, into Safania and the work we do together.

2:13 Aine: My best friend and business partner is a PhD in science.

2:18 Aine: Sorry, she's a scientist with a PhD in business and economics, and developed these formulas, and we've designed our products so that every product has a QR code that leads to a sacred ritual to bring you back into the experience of the body, because so many of us are like racing through life, rushing through everything.

2:42 Aine: We say, Oh, I'm gonna add self-care to the list.

2:46 Aine: And that becomes one more thing we rush through.

2:49 Aine: So the brand and my work personally and my work professionally, both as a founder and as a coach, is reminding women to come back to the body, come back into presence and tune in to our, you know, the innate wisdom that we have when we stop engaging, you know, in the exterior everywhere.

Divorce, midlife awakening & starting over

3:11 Aine: So I would say that's the through line of everything I do, both as a writer, as a mother, as a founder, and as a as a coach.

3:21 unknown: Wow.

3:21 Soraya: Yeah.

3:21 Soraya: So I have a few questions about that.

3:23 Soraya: So, firstly, so you said that you have got divorced after how many years were you married?

3:29 Soraya: And that was that obviously that's a big time in your life as well.

3:34 Aine: Yeah, I was divorced.

3:35 Aine: Um, I was married for 17 years.

3:38 Soraya: Oh, okay.

3:39 Aine: And um, I have two beautiful children.

3:43 Aine: I had a beautiful life, it was everything that we're supposed to want on the outside.

3:49 Aine: And um just I it was lacking intimacy.

3:54 Aine: It was feeling we, I felt like we were strangers, we were roommates, we were doing the business of marriage really well.

4:04 Aine: Um, but there was, I had lost touch with my own, with intimacy with myself and understanding of my um again connection to um the creative and you know um innate being that I think us women as we have, but when we get kind of so busy in the world, we we disconnect from.

4:26 Aine: And so three years ago is when I started my divorce journey.

4:32 Soraya: Wow, okay.

4:33 Soraya: So yeah, because that's a long time.

4:36 Soraya: That's nearly two decades to be with somebody.

4:38 Soraya: So to then leave that and then to start anew, that's very brave as well.

4:43 Soraya: Yeah, yeah.

4:44 Aine: 20 years we were together, 17 married.

4:47 Aine: It's a lifetime.

4:48 Aine: I mean, it was a lifetime, and you know, I'm not one to hold on to regret, I don't think it really serves us.

5:00 Aine: But I do think we see a lot in the rear view mirror when we look back.

5:04 Aine: There's wisdom.

5:06 Aine: And I did a lot.

5:08 Aine: I'm launching a book in a in about six weeks, my book will publish.

5:12 Aine: It's called Blow Up Your Life, The Wild Art of Wanting More.

5:16 Aine: And it in writing the book, it was a journey of sort of looking in that rear view mirror and asking, like, how had I built this life that looked so good on the outside but left me feeling so alone?

5:32 Aine: And what is it that we as women compromise and trade for what we call safety, what we call love?

5:45 Soraya: Yeah.

5:46 Soraya: It's the familiar, isn't it?

5:47 Soraya: I think you get so used to it and it's scary to kind of come out of that and go to the unknown territory and and start afresh.

5:55 Soraya: But I think this is very common with women our age.

5:58 Soraya: I mean, if you don't mind me asking on your on your, I'm assuming that we're approximately the same age.

6:03 Soraya: How how old are you?

6:04 Soraya: Do you mind me asking?

6:05 Soraya: I will be 49 tomorrow.

6:07 Aine: Same age.

6:09 Soraya: Yeah.

6:09 Soraya: So yeah, this is a time when you know, I think we do evolve as people, right?

6:15 Soraya: From how we were 20 years ago.

6:17 Soraya: And I think that's what happens in a lot of relationships as well.

6:21 Soraya: When you kind of grow apart when one person's evolving, they they want different things to the other person.

6:26 Soraya: I've seen that quite a bit.

6:28 Aine: And I have a, you know, it's an interesting thing because it's like, is it perimenopause?

6:33 Aine: Is it, you know, there's a what is it about this season of life that has us re-evaluating, leaving these marriages, leaving these um, you know, contracts.

6:45 Aine: And I do think some of it is um, you know, hormonal and evolution.

6:52 Aine: We sort of don't, we're not like caught in the every our our children, if we have them, need us differently.

6:58 Aine: Um and I just think we're waking up to for me, I I looked at my life and I was like, you know, oh my gosh, I'm theoretically halfway through my life.

7:11 Aine: And I want more.

7:14 Aine: And like you, you touched on this, we I had been on a personal growth journey and a spiritual awakening journey.

7:24 Aine: And I had done plant medicine and I had stopped drinking alcohol and I was doing healing, I was, you know, in therapy, and he wasn't.

7:35 Aine: And he wasn't interested in going on the journey.

7:41 Soraya: Yeah.

7:41 Aine: And I did, you know, I I really I think many of us do.

7:45 Aine: I really believe if you have a willing partner that is willing to keep growing and keep evolving, that you know, it's possible, but we just as like you said, we grew apart and um yeah, we just became as we do.

8:02 Aine: We're supposed to become different people.

8:04 Soraya: Of course, this is all part of like you know, being on earth, it's a school, we're learning and we're evolving through that.

8:11 Soraya: And it's just it's you know, it's a spiritual thing as well, like you said, you know, we get more in touch with spirituality and what life is all about, and that's evolution, like we can't stay the same, we have to be uncomfortable to evolve.

8:23 Soraya: So yeah.

8:25 Soraya: Um, and so you were together for a long time.

8:28 Soraya: And during that time, were you a coach as well?

8:30 Soraya: Or did you change careers after you divorced?

8:33 Aine: No, I was um, I was, I mean, we were married a long time, so I had a few careers.

8:38 Aine: I was an actress, I taught yoga, and then I went into sales and marketing and was raising my kids.

8:45 Aine: So I was always working while raising kids.

8:48 Aine: I was kind of always in the juggle.

8:52 Aine: And um when we, in fact, when we moved, we we lived in Chicago for most of our marriage.

9:00 Aine: And then one of my greatest desires from the moment we met was to live in California.

9:05 Aine: And it took me about 13 years to finally say, like, we need to move, like, this is on my path.

9:12 Aine: And it, I think that was actually one of the catalyst moments of the beginning of the end of our marriage, was like really standing for what I wanted and knew that I was meant to do, even though it didn't make sense on paper and it wasn't what he wanted.

9:30 Aine: And so it was kind of like the first um, I don't know, it just felt really important as a woman, as a mother, looking out for everybody else, making sure no one was disappointed and saying, like, I really need us to do this.

9:46 Aine: And um when and I took a pause from coaching, I was coaching at the time and I took a beat.

9:52 Aine: Like I was just like, okay, I had a podcast at the time, I had coaching clients, and I just said I need to focus on my family and get us moved.

10:01 Aine: Um, and then shortly after that, I uh yeah, I'm about we were probably in California for two years before I um knew that I was ready, that I wanted to leave.

10:17 Aine: And I did keep coaching.

10:20 Aine: I mean, it looks a little bit different.

10:22 Aine: What I'm offering has changed because I've changed and now much more in the feminine, in the somatics, in um working with women who are feeling you know, the abyss of what might be ahead and the pull of what's comfortable and needing guidance through um how we can navigate that and do it from a place of inner trust and from the feminine.

10:54 Aine: And I am a pleasure coach as well.

10:57 Aine: So I really um the somatics and pleasure being a very potent kind of mix.

11:07 Aine: Like we're I know that for me, I went grew up with pleasure as like later, right?

11:13 Aine: Pleasure is the reward, please and and a disconnection from my own pleasure.

11:18 Aine: It was always in relation to another person.

11:21 Aine: So for me and for the women that I work with, like the sovereignty of our pleasure that we're reclaiming that, and that's helping to guide us through what can feel like a really scary time.

11:36 Soraya: When you say pleasure, what kind of pleasure on you?

11:39 Aine: All kinds of pleasure.

11:41 Aine: Yeah.

11:42 Aine: Um, I studied with um Mama Gina, who wrote a book called Pussy a Reclamation, and I worked with her for about 18 months.

11:52 Aine: Um and so yeah, pleasure as in reclaiming pleasure, our sexuality, our sensuality, our um relationship to our bodies, um, and really like understanding why it feels so taboo, why it feels so um tricky for so many of us to really name and claim and and um go into that territory as mothers, as wives, as ex-wives.

Why women disconnect from themselves in midlife

12:28 Aine: You know, we're like, oh, I'm this person over here, and then I'm this, this I have this desire or this, you know, fantasy life over here.

12:38 Aine: And it's like, how can we integrate into being like one whole creative, sexual, you know, mothering expressive woman?

12:51 Soraya: Okay.

12:51 Soraya: Um great.

12:55 Soraya: So I also want to ask you a question about earlier on you mentioned that you and your best friend work together, which I think is amazing.

13:01 Soraya: I can't imagine anything better than working with your best friends of over so many years.

13:06 Soraya: Um, but you have a product, you said that it's you you work it.

13:10 Soraya: How the I'm a bit confused how that works.

13:12 Soraya: Just explain that with products.

13:14 Soraya: Yeah.

13:15 Aine: So we um have a product called Sofania.

13:19 Aine: Her name is Sophia, and my name is Anya.

13:21 Aine: And we took our names and we say we merged our names and the best of us to create this um wellness line.

13:30 Aine: And so the first product that we have to market is a sacred body oil.

13:34 Aine: And um we we actually just launched a few weeks ago and we have more skincare launching soon.

13:42 Aine: And then we also have wellness products for women um designed to help us with the nervous system.

13:49 Aine: So sleeping and also helping um supporting the nervous system to be out of that fight or flight and be more in the parasympathetic nervous system.

13:59 Aine: Um, so really women at our age who are waking up at three in the morning with anxiety, we're really looking to support them with better sleep and rejuvenation.

14:11 Aine: Um, and yeah, so it's been a beautiful journey of bringing her science background and my background and best friends.

14:21 Aine: And you know, it's interesting, like it is, as you said, you can't think of anything better.

14:27 Aine: And also we went into it with a lot of clarity because we've both been married and divorced, we both had businesses, partners that went wrong.

14:38 Aine: And so we really went into this with the intention of having um sovereignty again and intimacy in business.

14:48 Aine: Like we want to preserve our friendship above all else.

14:52 Aine: We want to have clarity about, you know, what if it goes wrong?

14:58 Aine: How do we navigate the what-ifs, which so many of us don't do in our 20s when we're navigating um partnerships of any kind?

15:09 Soraya: Yeah, no, yeah, of course.

15:11 Soraya: Um, but so how are your products different to regular products like on the shelves, like regular aromatherapy and with different essential oils?

15:18 Soraya: How would you describe yours to be different?

15:21 Aine: Yeah.

15:21 Aine: So um the body oil, for example, is um five different organic cold-pressed oils and um a beautiful um jasmine and rose scent.

15:33 Aine: And Sophia is um into it, incredibly intuitive, is an angelic channel, as well as being a PhD.

15:41 Aine: And so she, when she was traveling the world um working with clients, she lived in 25 countries and she had clients who had all of these symptoms and problems, and she really just said, like, you know, I really need to find a solution for this.

15:56 Aine: And she downloaded this formula, this recipe in one sitting.

16:01 Aine: And then she took her scientific background and went and sort of researched, like, well, okay, what happens if we add this oil and this oil?

16:09 Aine: Um, and these oils penetrate the layers of the skin, they're incredibly nourishing.

16:14 Aine: Women at our age, we tend to be losing, um, you know, we're sort of notice a change in our skin.

16:21 Aine: We tend to be drier, yeah, and we sort of have less elasticity.

16:25 Aine: And so these oils are going down to those lower layers of the skin and nourishing from the inside.

16:33 Aine: So the quality of the product, the freak, what we call the frequency of the product, the way the products are formulated, they're manufactured in California by an all-female manufacturing plant, which is incredible.

16:48 Aine: We went in and we met the women who are, you know, at on the line, was beautiful.

16:54 Aine: And um, and we're sold only online, so we're not in stores.

16:59 Aine: Um, you can go to the website and in the US though for now, you're not doing international shipping.

17:05 Aine: So you we can ship internationally.

17:08 Aine: Um, yeah, and so we we are not officially distributed internationally, but we have had some clients um order to Canada and we have um we are able to ship.

17:23 Aine: So it might cost a lot to ship at the moment because it's not distributed there officially, yes, but currently we are distributed and manufactured in the US.

17:32 Soraya: Okay, I know it sounds great, and I just love your whole story.

17:35 Soraya: It's it's amazing how you know you spent two decades with someone, were able to leave them, and then you know, meet with your best friend and move in the same building and start a business together.

17:46 Soraya: It's great.

17:47 Soraya: I love it, and empowering women with your products as well.

17:50 Aine: So yeah.

17:52 Aine: I always say like every woman leaving a marriage should have a best friend, a circle of women, like in in centuries prior, before we were sort of all separated out, this is what women did with each other, right?

18:09 Aine: We we midwife each other through the most beautiful and painful times of life.

18:15 Aine: And I believe that that is something that's really it's just such a gift to have another woman in your corner when you're going through the hardest moments of life.

18:26 Soraya: Absolutely.

18:26 Soraya: I think that, you know, like you said, having good friends, female friends is so important, especially as you get older, because the friends you have in our age are very different to when we're children, like children, you know, you kind of yeah, I think it's harder to maintain that friendship.

18:41 Soraya: And also you don't have time for all the stuff that comes with people that waste your time as well.

18:46 Soraya: You kind of are very selective over who's in your life, I feel, because you're very busy guys.

18:52 Aine: I agree.

18:52 Aine: And I think there is something about this discernment that happens in our 40s, yeah, about the energy and the time and who we're willing to, you know, it's like if someone doesn't add to my life, then the point is.

19:10 Soraya: No, I completely agree.

19:10 Soraya: And that also I think this is the thing, you know, when they call the midlife crisis, we are at the point in our lives when we really can't be bothered with the crap, you know, we just want to enjoy our lives and be ourselves and not trying to please others so much as we used to, right?

19:26 Soraya: And going with the flow and being the peacekeepers.

19:28 Soraya: That's very common with women.

19:30 Soraya: We're always peacekeepers and trying to make everyone happy.

19:34 Aine: Yeah, yeah, it's an I was it's an epidemic of making other people's feelings our responsibility.

19:42 Soraya: Yeah, and it's women primarily that feel that.

19:45 Soraya: And you know, I see that with a lot of my clients, they internalize it and then they get sick because they don't speak their truth, and you know, they develop autoimmune diseases.

19:54 Soraya: So I think it's so important and empowering to be able to speak your truth and and do what you're doing on you, on you.

20:00 Soraya: It's amazing, it's great.

20:01 Soraya: Thank you, thank you.

20:03 Soraya: Yeah, it's really fun.

20:04 Soraya: Yeah.

20:06 Soraya: So why do you think so many women reach midlife feeling disconnected to themselves, their desires or even their bodies?

20:14 Aine: I mean, you touched on it right there with this epidemic of you know, putting everyone else's needs ahead of ours.

20:22 Aine: Um, and really over time, for me, my experience, and then I the way that I see it happening with other women is that it's we make these little trades, and we, you know, the the sort of term is we abandon ourselves, but like what does that really mean?

20:39 Aine: It means, oh, I'm just, you know, it's not worth the fuss.

20:43 Aine: I'm not gonna fight over this one.

20:45 Aine: I'm gonna let this one go.

20:46 Aine: I'm and we just keep making these little trades until we suddenly have negotiated ourselves out of all the things we said we wanted.

20:56 Aine: Yeah.

20:57 Aine: And we're faking orgasms and we're, you know, doing things we never wanted to do and living lives we never wanted to live because we've made these trades.

21:07 Aine: And it then becomes a harder to like have the conversation about, oh, well, actually, I don't like this or want this.

21:17 Aine: So we were we're so disconnected from it, and it's so hard to speak our truth.

21:22 Aine: Um, and then we come to midlife, and I think a lot of us realize I it's like now or never, you know, and what have what have I, the cost of that is high.

21:36 Aine: And you mentioned autoimmune diseases.

21:38 Aine: I had a cyst on my left ovary that I had to have my whole ovary removed.

21:44 Aine: And I believe that you know, the energy of the body is we do, we suppress and then we create, you know, problems.

21:53 Aine: Um, and I really saw that as the the kind of cyst I had was.

21:59 Aine: A slow-growing cyst and not the kind that um is made of fluids.

22:04 Aine: It was something they could have removed potentially, but had to end up removing the whole ovary.

22:10 Aine: And I felt so I had so much grief over losing that ovary that I believe was connected to the amount of self-expression that I suppressed in order to stay in my marriage.

Feminine energy, pleasure & nervous system healing

22:23 Aine: And it was like my body accumulated that energy.

22:29 Aine: And then when I had the ovary removed, I was like, never again.

22:35 Aine: Not losing the body part to keep someone else, you know, to keep the peace.

22:42 Soraya: Yeah, that's yeah, that's really powerful.

22:44 Soraya: That's so true.

22:45 Soraya: That's what happens though with a lot of women, they do, like you said, just hold stuff in, let things go, and then eventually get to a point they're like forget who they are, what they actually want.

22:54 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.

22:55 Speaker 1: And that's this, you know, what do they actually want?

22:58 Speaker 1: And then the follow-up I always ask is like, and do you believe you can have it?

23:04 Aine: Yeah, yeah.

23:06 Soraya: Yeah, because some people think they're too old.

23:08 Soraya: Yeah, they think you know they're too old, they're past it.

23:11 Soraya: But actually, I thought this is the point of our lives when we actually should be doing what we want because we're midway, right?

23:16 Soraya: Don't want to waste any more time.

23:20 Soraya: Yeah, hopefully, yeah.

23:21 Soraya: We don't want to waste any more time.

23:22 Soraya: There's so much to do, so much to explore and to be ourselves.

23:25 Soraya: That's why we're here, right?

23:27 Soraya: Um, and you speak about softness, embodiment, and feminine energy, but for many women, slowing down or receiving can feel deeply uncomfortable.

23:39 Soraya: Why is that?

23:42 Aine: Because when you slow down, you well, I believe in order to listen to our intuition and to really connect with our inner wisdom, we have to quiet.

23:52 Soraya: Yeah.

23:53 Aine: And the first thing that shifted my trajectory was starting a meditation practice.

23:59 Aine: So I taught yoga for years, but I wasn't a meditator.

24:03 Aine: I was a mover.

24:04 Aine: And I would move and do yoga, and that was great, but it was all like movement.

24:08 Aine: And then in 2017, I started a meditation practice.

24:12 Aine: And every single morning I would get up at five o'clock before my kids, and I would sit down for 10 minutes and meditate and journal.

24:19 Aine: And it was profound because I had to just learn to sit with stillness and the discomfort of all of the chatter and all of the worry, and then to write, which is the second piece that I think is so important, journaling, because we start to then we're like, oh, evidence of what is going on in my mind and evidence of what is on my heart.

24:47 Aine: And if we don't give ourselves time and space for quiet, we can't listen, we can't hear.

24:56 Aine: And so instead, we're constantly responding, right?

25:00 Aine: We are reacting to the stimulus that the outside world is giving us, but we have to make time and space to slow down and to quiet.

25:10 Aine: And it's wildly uncomfortable because what emerges is not always what we want to hear.

25:18 Aine: And I think in midlife, especially, it's like, oh, I can't avoid that anymore.

25:27 Aine: Yeah.

25:28 Aine: And so when we're quiet and we slow down and we soften, we also have to be willing to say, oh, this is alive for me, this is coming up for me.

25:41 Aine: And maybe it's time to stop avoiding the conversation, or maybe it's time to really stay curious about this desire that I suddenly have, or this thought that won't stop.

25:51 Aine: You know, I suddenly really want to move and it doesn't make sense, but or I want to change my job, or I want, you know, to leave my marriage or whatever it is.

26:01 Aine: Um, I think we cover up dissatisfaction with busyness.

26:08 Soraya: Yeah, you're right.

26:09 Soraya: That's what we do to kind of ignore the feelings, just staying busy, busy, busy and not sitting with how you actually feel, right?

26:16 Soraya: Not even being theware of the feelings because they're scary.

26:19 Soraya: Yeah.

26:21 Soraya: And it's very easy to be busy in a society because we've constantly, like you said, we've always switched on.

26:25 Soraya: There's email, there's phones, there's always something to keep us occupied.

26:30 Soraya: But um, yeah, I think meditation is a real game changer.

26:34 Soraya: And journaling, like you said.

26:36 Aine: Yeah.

26:37 Aine: And then the third thing that I always um in it, and it evolved for me, right?

26:42 Aine: It started with meditation and then journaling, and then this piece about bringing the body in.

26:46 Aine: Like, yeah, you can change your energy in a moment by dancing.

26:52 Aine: Just get up, put a song on, dance, move your body, like get into your body and feel because that's we're avoiding the feelings.

27:02 Aine: Yeah, yeah.

27:04 Soraya: I I think that's why though it's you know, it's so easy to change your mindset just by moving your body, even like dancing.

27:10 Soraya: For me, it's running, like I run and just take out the tension whenever I if I have any anger, I just go run, and that releases that as well.

27:18 Soraya: It's it's quite it's it's an easy fix, really, in the moment.

27:21 Soraya: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

27:23 Soraya: So, no, that's really powerful.

27:25 Soraya: Um, why do you think so many women feel guilt around prioritizing themselves, their pleasure or their needs?

27:34 Aine: I mean, I think we've just been told for so many years.

27:37 Aine: Yeah, so I know, yeah.

27:40 Aine: Yeah, it's really built into the structure.

27:44 Aine: I mean, I think patriarchy is very alive and well, and it is um by design to keep women disconnected from their power.

27:57 Aine: And, you know, a woman who's disconnected from her pleasure is easier to control.

28:03 Aine: And that's ultimately what the the whole point was, right?

28:08 Aine: When to keep women, um, if you think back to sort of, you know, the church and patriarchy and how it all started.

28:17 Aine: It's like women who were disconnected from their pleasure were disconnected from their voice, or you know, then they were less disruptive.

28:26 Aine: Um and women, yeah, I think we're more easily controlled.

28:32 Aine: And so I think that we've we have a lot of unlearning to do when it comes to prioritizing ourselves.

28:39 Aine: And whether it starts with like time and slowness, and a you know, I think like the bubble bath gets a lot of bad, a bad rap is like, you know, it's self-care isn't bubble baths.

28:53 Aine: But I'm like, if self-care is a bubble bath, I'll take it.

28:56 Aine: Start somewhere.

28:57 Aine: And interestingly, it's a place of some you know, immersive, somatic presence.

29:04 Aine: And it also it's like baby steps because what I what real true prioritizing ourselves is like using our voice to say that's not okay.

29:17 Aine: I don't want that.

29:19 Aine: I know this is something that is gonna disappoint you, but this is how I feel.

29:24 Aine: Yeah, and those things um are really hard when you're not connected into I am okay as a person, I am okay in my in the discomfort, right?

29:36 Aine: They're all kind of connected.

29:39 Soraya: Yeah, no, that makes sense.

29:40 Soraya: Um so going on to like libido, so obviously women our age, you know, it's quite common you lose your libido.

29:49 Soraya: Do you think there's more to it than just the hormones?

29:53 Aine: I do.

29:53 Aine: I was well, I can speak for myself in that I was um, I guess I was in my mid-40s when I divorced, and I really had, I mean, we were in a in a marriage where there was no intimacy, you know, um very little sex, and and I wasn't interested in it.

30:18 Aine: Like I was like, oh, it's just done for me.

30:20 Aine: I don't care about it.

30:21 Aine: Um and when I did my own healing work, and I realized, like, oh, that's because I've just who I was in that marriage and how I was showing up, and the compartment that I'd given myself was so small.

30:40 Aine: The room I was living in that I created was so small that when I broke out of that, and I realized that pleasure is for me.

30:50 Aine: And when I reconnected with pleasure as an energy, as a as a source and a resource, not something I'm like doing because it's on the schedule or it's for my husband, or it's in response to his wanting.

31:07 Aine: It's actually from me when I create and then I actually invite someone into intimacy to be with me in that space.

31:16 Aine: I mean, I my libido is it's great.

31:20 Aine: It was never the problem.

31:22 Aine: Oh, okay.

31:24 unknown: Yeah.

31:24 Aine: And I think a lot of it for me is again, when I get into my brain, when I get into my busyness, when I lock out into stress and a sort of the grind, I am disconnected, right?

31:38 Aine: I was like, oh, who would ever want that?

31:41 Aine: But when I make space and I slow down and I have my clients create a self-pleasure practice that's just for them.

31:51 Aine: Right.

31:52 Aine: And like invite libido is like, what is libido?

31:59 Aine: Like, is it desire?

32:01 Aine: Is it a wanting?

32:02 Aine: Is it are we trying to achieve again?

32:04 Aine: Because a lot of us are like, oh, I'm trying to like get an orgasm and get on with my day.

32:11 Aine: But not the point.

32:15 Aine: Like, if we just reframe the whole thing, as in what if I just gave myself 10 minutes, put on some beautiful music, put on a beautiful robe, something that makes me feel a certain way, and I explored pleasure on my body with myself and just see what happens.

32:35 Aine: Then it's a whole other thing.

32:39 Aine: It's, I feel like there's like a setup in the libido, as in, like, do you have enough?

32:45 Aine: Are you failing at this?

32:46 Aine: And I do think hormones play into it.

32:49 Aine: I think it's a part of it.

32:50 Aine: And like I went on HRT and I'm on progesterone and I'm on testosterone, and I'm like, I will shout it from the rooftops like, get your patch, get your things, like it changed my life.

33:03 Aine: It I made my um, I didn't even know I had brain fog until I went on estrogen.

33:10 Aine: And I was like, whoa, there's my brain again.

33:13 Aine: But I do think that it's not the whole picture.

33:18 Aine: I think hormones are a piece of the picture.

33:21 Aine: Stress, well-being, safety.

33:25 Aine: Yeah, right.

33:26 Aine: We our nervous system needs to feel safe in order to open.

33:32 Aine: For us, you know, the the the body doesn't respond to pressure.

33:41 Aine: And so again, I if it's like one more thing on our to-do list, it's a whole other interaction than going through life as, and you know, you asked an interesting question, like what kind of pleasure?

33:56 Aine: I invite my clients to think about pleasure in all the spectrum.

34:01 Aine: So if I were to wake up this morning and be guided by pleasure, where would that take me?

34:07 Aine: Yeah, where would I like what how would I drink my coffee differently?

34:11 Aine: How would I dress?

34:13 Aine: Where would I go?

34:14 Aine: Would I slam a salad in the leftover bin, or would I go for a walk to the cafe and enjoy a beautiful meal served by a cute Italian server?

34:26 Aine: Like, right?

34:27 Aine: Like, how would I change my the way I orient to the world if I were guided by pleasure?

34:34 Aine: So that's kind of an exploration I invite my clients to go on because it just changes our perspective.

34:41 Soraya: Yeah, and I think it's also a lot of us are just kind of like in the rot of the day to day and just doing stuff for other people, and like you said, having a list of things to do, and probably like the bedroom is another thing you have to do, and it just takes the fun out of it and the pleasure, right?

34:55 Soraya: Yeah, yeah.

34:58 Soraya: So, what does feminine embodiment actually mean beyond the social media version of it?

35:06 Aine: Oh, feminine embodiment is like when you are living from a place of like I feel it, right?

35:14 Aine: When I can let my breath drop into my belly and I can like breathe, and I'm you know, I can be in the most stressful moment of my life and just say, like, okay, where am I?

35:30 Aine: Can I let my body breathe?

35:33 Aine: Can I let all the cells of my body exhale?

35:36 Aine: And social media, you know, I think one of the things about pleasure and embodiment and the feminine is that there's a lot of distortion.

Meditation, embodiment & learning to slow down

35:48 Aine: And we have we have awareness, just be aware of the distortion, right?

35:53 Aine: Like, oh, if you look that way or you dress that way, or you embody femininity that way, uh, you can be perceived as something or that is distorted.

36:04 Aine: And I think that being aware of it and also having the ability to say, that's I'm not engaging with that, but I am living in my body as my truth.

36:17 Aine: That's real sovereign feminine embodiment, and knowing that I um use both my intellect and my intuition.

36:28 Aine: I listen to my body.

36:30 Aine: She's wise, she's the oracle, she knows, and I trust her even when it doesn't make sense.

36:37 Aine: But I use my beautiful brain to ask questions, but then I let my body listen for the answer.

36:46 Aine: It's something actually that my business partner and I do in our company.

36:50 Aine: We merge, it's one of the feminine principles is using intuition and intellect.

36:57 Aine: So we ask the question using our intellect and we listen.

37:01 Aine: We spend a lot of our meetings with our eyes closed.

37:03 Aine: Love it.

37:04 Aine: And we actually go in and look, listen for answers.

37:07 Aine: Yeah.

37:08 Aine: No, we say, let me let me tune in, let me, you know.

37:13 Aine: I think we are trained to go outward for answers and real feminine.

37:18 Soraya: This is what I have on my desk.

37:19 Soraya: I was using my last hypnosis session.

37:21 Soraya: I have the cards.

37:24 Soraya: I love them.

37:25 Speaker 1: They really have got, yeah, I've got a set in every room.

37:30 Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll draw cards together, we'll ask for guidance, we go in, we check the field, we use our intuitive tools.

37:39 Speaker 1: Um to and ultimately we're look, we want to bring harmony with our masculine and our feminine.

37:49 Speaker 1: Our masculine is just as important.

37:52 Speaker 1: It's boundaries, it's it's motion, it's creating, it's you know, forward, and the the um it's we're just out of kilter.

38:01 Speaker 1: So we've been so used to not listening and not trusting.

38:05 Speaker 1: And the feminine embodiment means all of me knows this is true, knows the next step.

38:16 Soraya: Do you feel that you were more in your masculine energy in your marriage, or were you yeah, for sure, for sure, yeah.

38:22 Soraya: So now you're racing feminine energy.

38:25 Aine: I would say that I often my therapist at the time, and now I can understand it, but it was like I was living from the neck up, is how we could talk about it.

38:35 Aine: Like I was logically, I was I was very much in hustle land.

38:41 Aine: I was very I I actually think now that burnout is something that happens when we're not embodied because we can do the same amount of things when we have a bigger capacity, but it's driven by the right reason, like a resourced woman.

39:00 Aine: I'm in my body, I'm in my pleasure, I have space, I'm taking rest, I'm I have intimacy, I have boundaries, I can get a lot of things done as in a different way of being resourced than when I'm just like in hustle and I'm in my masculine.

39:17 Soraya: Yeah, yeah, no, that's true.

39:20 Soraya: And I know obviously we we spoke earlier about how in your relationship you were evolving and your husband, he didn't want to, he wanted to stay the way he was.

39:30 Soraya: But in with your clients, have you seen relationships shift when women were reconnecting with themselves more deeply?

39:38 Aine: Definitely, and again, it's it's all about a willing partner, yeah, and they have to do their work um often.

39:47 Aine: And and the biggest thing is that they have to want to do the work for them.

39:51 Aine: It can't be, it's much harder if it's like tainted with, I'll do it for you.

39:56 Aine: Yeah, that never, it often not never, it often comes sling, slingshots back.

40:02 Aine: Um, when two people are willing to be in vulnerability, to be in authentic vulnerability, and to say this, the you know, the way that we form masks and characters and defenses, often when we're young, and then we engage in intimacy, we gauge engage in relationship, and often those those masks and characters are in relation with each other.

40:34 Aine: And so when there is a rupture and there's an evolution and there's someone who wants to pivot out of that, it requires like a real willingness to to kind of break it all apart and very carefully build back the pieces that they want.

40:50 Aine: And it absolutely can be done.

40:53 Aine: Um, but it takes, yeah, two people really willing to be in in real vulnerability with each other.

41:02 unknown: Yeah.

41:02 Aine: And like doing their own work on their own simultaneous paths and then working together.

41:08 Soraya: Yeah.

41:08 Soraya: Yeah, that makes sense.

41:10 Soraya: Um, then how can women navigate identity change in the midlife without being selfish or fearful?

41:17 Aine: Hmm.

41:18 Aine: I don't know if you can.

41:20 Aine: You can't.

41:21 Aine: I think it's okay.

41:22 Aine: I think it's actually about like what is it, what's wrong with being selfish?

41:28 Aine: What is that that you're told, right?

41:31 Soraya: Like as women, we're not supposed to be selfish.

41:34 Soraya: Well, right.

41:35 Aine: So I would say it's the more the problem with the word.

41:38 Aine: And then what's the story around the word?

41:42 Aine: And do you want to have that story anymore?

41:44 Aine: That's the work that I do in dismantling the kind of story that's running this.

41:48 Aine: Usually there's a story, and we have to kind of really look at it and be like, is that true anymore?

41:53 Aine: Do I want it?

41:55 Aine: And I just don't think we get through life without fear.

41:59 Aine: It's really about what we do with the fear.

42:02 Aine: And are we willing to walk forward, anyways?

42:12 Soraya: Good.

42:12 Soraya: Yeah, I mean, I think you need to have a bit of fear, and it's the unknown to step outside because there's no other way to really fully grow.

42:19 Soraya: If you're constantly staying in the familiar, you stay the same.

42:22 Soraya: But we need to kind of do things that are scary in order to really have a better life, really, I guess.

42:29 Aine: I agree.

42:30 Aine: I mean, our brains are designed to keep us safe, and so our brain is designed to keep us exactly where we are.

42:39 Aine: Exactly.

42:40 Aine: And you know, it's like if I know that, and how can I work with the fear as fuel to say, like, okay, I'm afraid and I'm willing to take this one step.

42:55 Aine: I'm willing to take this one next step.

42:58 Aine: Yeah.

43:00 Aine: Even though my even though my book is called Blow Up Your Life and it can be very provocative, it um it's really about like, can I just take the next right step?

43:11 Aine: Yeah.

43:13 unknown: Yeah.

43:14 Soraya: It's again, I guess, going back to what you were saying about, you know, really going inside and trusting you in in a guide, your inner guidance.

43:21 Soraya: We all have that, but we're so up here that we have to drop into our hearts and just really listen.

43:25 Soraya: We have the answers.

43:27 Soraya: We don't trust ourselves.

43:29 Soraya: So, and what would you say to the woman listening today who knows something within her is asking to change, but she keeps doubting herself.

43:42 Aine: I think what you just said about trusting yourself, like it's a muscle, it's a muscle we can grow.

43:47 Aine: It's gather your friends, gather and and gather carefully.

43:53 Soraya: Yeah.

43:54 Aine: Be willing to lose people who are um.

43:59 Aine: Attached to a version of you that you want to outgrow.

44:02 Aine: But gather the women around you who've either been where you are or who see what's possible for you.

44:12 Aine: And you know, find yeah, it's like find the lighthouses in the dark because they exist.

44:21 Aine: And then just take the steps and know that um it's not about knowing what's that?

44:29 Aine: There's a um there is a famous quote about like you don't have to see this full the whole staircase to take the first step.

44:36 Aine: Yeah, and it's I know about Tomber, but I I know it's yeah, somebody famous said something, but it's it is essentially that like I don't need to know, oh, we want to know how it's gonna end.

44:49 Aine: We really want.

44:50 Aine: I I struggled with that.

44:51 Aine: It was a big story.

44:53 Aine: Like I want to know it's going to be okay.

44:56 Aine: And so I want to I want to figure it out.

44:59 Aine: And it's not my job, actually.

45:02 Aine: It's like I have to learn to surrender and trust there's some greater force, whether you believe in God or spirit or the universe.

45:12 Aine: It's like I'm co-creating with another, with with my soul's path.

45:17 Aine: And I just have to trust the next step.

45:23 Soraya: Yeah, yeah, I love that.

45:25 Soraya: Agreed.

45:26 Soraya: Um, and then as we're closing, I have a few questions always asked my guests.

45:31 Soraya: The first one is what does living in alignment with yourself mean to you now?

45:37 Aine: Living in alignment with myself means trusting what I when I am guided or when I have an intuition, even if it doesn't make sense, I follow it.

45:54 Aine: And that is living in alignment for me is knowing that I'm gonna have a beautiful life.

46:01 Aine: I am meant to have love and people around me who celebrate me.

46:06 Aine: And I get to have that.

46:09 Aine: And so it's like I believe I just was saying to myself in the kitchen this morning, because I was going through a bit of a moment this morning, and I said, it's all gonna work out.

46:19 Aine: And if it hasn't worked out, it's not over yet.

46:22 Aine: Like I just have to give myself the mantra, right?

46:25 Aine: Like it's like take your own medicine on you.

46:28 Aine: Like you tell this to women all the time.

46:30 Aine: So when we have stress and we have something that doesn't seem to be working out, it's all working out.

46:36 Aine: I just don't have to know how I don't have to see how the strings are being moved.

46:42 Soraya: Yeah, that's that's a great way of looking at it.

46:44 Soraya: I think sometimes we just have to just trust everything's gonna work out, and it always does in its own way.

46:49 Soraya: And even when it doesn't, there's a reason for why it didn't, you know, it's like we can always look back and see, oh, that's why that happened.

46:56 Soraya: I mean, you know, even when I look back at the things I've been through, I never look at it in a negative way, I just see how it made me who I am, the lessons I learned, and then I'm not gonna repeat, right?

47:08 Soraya: So yeah, that's what we can do.

47:11 Soraya: And what does being limitless mean to you personally at this stage of your life?

47:18 Aine: Oh, it just means dreaming big, believing that I I've been birthing so many big projects, my book, my company.

47:30 Aine: Um, I'm working on launching my own podcast, which I'll have you on.

47:36 Aine: Oh, yeah.

47:37 Aine: And just like it's all possible.

47:42 Aine: That's what Limitless feels like.

47:44 Aine: It's all possible, not always in the same season, but this is a season of blooming.

47:51 Aine: And we're, you know, even seasonally, we're coming into spring and summer.

47:55 Aine: It's like all the things we've been working on and seeding and and watering and new giving nutrients to this is the season where it blooms and it comes out to the world, and we get to enjoy it.

48:11 Aine: Like limitless also means enjoying the fruits of everything we've worked for.

48:17 Soraya: Yeah.

48:18 Soraya: And I I think that says a lot about you, um, Anya, because it's the last kind of three years since your divorce that all of this stuff is happening.

Relationships, growth & evolving apart

48:25 Soraya: That's quite a lot of things you've got going on.

48:27 Soraya: It's really exciting.

48:28 Soraya: And again, you're you know, turning 49 tomorrow.

48:32 Soraya: Yeah.

48:32 Soraya: And so it just goes that you can actually recreate your life and and plan it the way you want it.

48:38 Soraya: It's never too late, right?

48:40 Soraya: Exactly.

48:41 Aine: Exactly.

48:42 Aine: Never too late.

48:43 Aine: I think I really believe this is the best season of life.

48:47 Aine: This is, you know, we were laughing about the golden girls were like in their 40s, maybe.

48:54 Soraya: I remember watching that as a kid and they looked so old, but they were supposed to be in their 40s.

48:59 Soraya: I thought when I was a kid that 40 was really old, but now I'm 49.

49:02 Soraya: I'm like, no, it's not.

49:05 Aine: No, this is the best season of life.

49:07 Aine: I'm the most, I have the most fun.

49:10 Aine: I'm having the, you know, I'm having, I'm, it's like everything I've done up until now.

49:17 Aine: I I like you just said, I'm, oh, that's why I needed that.

49:21 Aine: That's why I did that.

49:22 Aine: That's why this pivot happened.

49:23 Aine: That's why I'm where I am.

49:25 Aine: That's why that I met that person.

49:27 Aine: Like it all comes together in a way that in our 20s we couldn't possibly foresee.

49:34 Soraya: Yeah.

49:34 Soraya: I mean, my 20s were fun, but I wouldn't go back there because I don't know as much as I know now.

49:39 Soraya: I would, you know, I was very naive.

49:42 Soraya: And, you know, now in my 40s, I know so much more, and I make better decisions based on all of that.

49:49 Soraya: So yeah, it's we're we're we're doing really well.

49:53 Soraya: Yes, we are.

49:54 Soraya: Fine wine.

49:56 Soraya: Yeah.

49:56 Soraya: Um, and finally, if there was one gentle practice shift or piece of advice listeners could begin using in their own lives for more connected to themselves, what would it be?

50:07 Aine: I would invite them to just take five minutes a day to start and find a piece of music, move your body, sit on your bed, let just somewhere, and let yourself move and and into presence, bringing you know, a little bit of meditation, a little bit of breath, and a little bit of movement into the day to get grounded, get embodied.

50:36 Aine: It can just it changes everything and it's it doesn't take long.

50:40 Aine: One great song.

50:42 Soraya: Yeah, I love that.

50:44 Soraya: A good dance.

50:45 Soraya: Um, yeah.

50:46 Soraya: So thank you, um, Anya.

50:48 Soraya: So before I let you go, how can my listeners reach you if they want to work with you or buy any of your stuff?

50:55 Aine: Yeah, so you can find me personally.

50:58 Aine: Um, my website is onyarock.com.

51:01 Aine: And it's um, I think you'll put it in the show notes.

51:03 Aine: The spelling is a little um different because it's Irish.

51:06 Aine: And um, Safania is at Sophaniawellness.com.

51:11 Aine: And um, so you can find me in both places, and um you can also find me on Instagram at it's on your rock.

51:19 Soraya: So I'll give you all of that to add to your show notes.

51:21 Soraya: Clients, because you're based in the US.

51:23 Soraya: So for clients, because we're in the UK, you you work on online as well, right?

51:28 Aine: Yes, yep.

51:29 Aine: I I work exclusively online, and I'm also always doing retreats and traveling.

51:36 Aine: So um I do, but the majority of my work is online, so we can accommodate any time zone.

51:44 Soraya: Okay, that's good to know.

51:45 Soraya: All right.

51:46 Soraya: Well, thank you so much, Anya, for your time.

51:48 Soraya: And for me to you was great and um was wonderful.

51:52 Soraya: We'll speak soon.

51:53 Soraya: Bye.